A Conspiracy of Cartographers

A Brief History of Written Communication Throughout the Ages

Humans have found many ways to communicate with each other through written correspondence throughout the ages.  Written records have always held importance in society dating back to Ancient Egypt, where the Ancient Egyptians would use Hieroglyphics to inscribe meaningful sentiments on the tombs of their Pharaohs.  

During the middle ages, smoke signals were often employed as a method of communicating important alerts between castle turrets.

More recently, during the Cold War, the US made use of carrier pigeons, as the CIA was afraid that any telecommunication might be intercepted by Soviet intelligence.  This was highly effective around the office, as only the presence of a mole would make it possible for the Soviets to receive any inside information, and then it would be quite obvious that there was a security leak from within.  

The massive amounts of pigeon shit splattered on the corridor floors, however, made workplace safety a huge concern.  In 1967, there were a reported 27 concussions at Langley alone from employees slipping on wet pigeon droppings and hitting their heads on filing cabinets and hard tile floors.  After OSHA discovered this, it mandated a huge overhaul of the intraoffice communication system, and that is how we arrived at today’s preferred method: the sonogram.

For this method to work effectively, the designated Messenger eats a bowl of alphabet soup, but he makes a painstaking effort to consume only the letters needed to convey the memo’s message.  Once he arrives at the memo’s destination, he is placed under a sonogram machine, and the sonogram technician prints several photos to ensure that all letters are visible.  These photos are then passed along to the Decoders, whose sole job is to unscramble the letters found in the messenger’s stomach.  Once unscrambled, the now coherent memo is taken to its destination, and business is carried out as usual.

Posted 3 months ago